


Colonel Frank Burns

by LuciusMalfoy



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 17:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3701035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuciusMalfoy/pseuds/LuciusMalfoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank Burns gets the story resolution he deserves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flagg

It had been a winding road to recovery for Lt. Colonel Frank Burns. In some ways, he was almost thankful that he had finally broken down. The tension that been building up within him since he was a small boy had finally become too much to bear alone and letting it out had done him more than a world of good.

The army understood him the way it always had, and sent him back home, having decided that a man of his status was more valuable in a position stateside, instead of in the war zone that is Korea. Coming home had been an amazing experience. The salutes he got as he walked off the plane, through the airport and all though his hometown were just the kind of recognition he had always wanted in his life, despite the occasional group of long-haired weirdos that gave him a salute of a far less respectful kind.

Everything was finally as it should be, with himself in the position of command and authority, that he had desperately craved when he was younger. As he was being shipped back home, he got word that he was to be promoted to Lt. Colonel, a rank that he had only hoped to achieve for not only professional, but for personal reasons as well. He knew that Margaret was no longer in his daily life, but some small piece of himself still clung to the farfetched hope that she would come back to him. With a promotion he would no longer be the spineless coward that she had seen him as in Korea, but as an eligible officer, worthy of her time and attentions.

But oh how times had changed.

The minute his wife had learned of the charges brought against him, her first reaction was not one to lend comfort to her soldier, but to place a call to the family lawyer. Despite his repeated pleas, he had not been able to convince the mother of his children that he was innocent of any philandering during his tour of duty. She had simply taken the children and left. Not only with his children, but with all of the family wealth he had acquired through the years, plus alimony, as their prenuptial agreement had been rendered null and void in court upon the judge's review of his personnel file, which included the M.P.'s statements as to his erratic accosting of every blonde nurse in sight during his last days in Korea.

If there was one thing Frank Burns had learned over the years, it was that the Army worked in mysterious ways. Which is how he found himself in his private office in a comfy, veterans hospital, behind his desk as no one other than Lt. Colonel Flagg, walked though the door.

Despite having no idea why Flagg was now standing in his office, Frank decided it would be rude to not address any man who entered the same room as him, a habit he had long since picked up in the military. "Well if it isn't Colonel Flagg, what on earth brings you here? Shouldn't you be back in Korea on some sort of covert operation?" He said, giving the man a nonchalant look from behind his desk, followed by propping his feet on top of the fine grained wood as he scooted back a bit in his chair to get a better look at the much taller man, made even taller from his current point of observation.

"That's Lt. Colonel Flagg now." The ex-Colonel lamented as he took a slow stride across the room.

"What did they bust you for?" Frank asked, smiling a curious smile as to what the man could have possibly done to land himself in hot water, having once believed that he had some sort of immunity given his status as an agent for the C.I.A..

Giving Frank a blank expression as he examined several of the snowglobes that lined the office they were in, he responded. "Between you and me, I was busted down for allegedly stealing a General's jeep." Finishing his inspection of the wintery landscape in his hands, before placing the globe back upon the shelf.

"Well what's the big deal about that? I've seen alot worse in this man's Army. You borrowed it for some sort of secret agent stuff I'll bet." Frank inquired as his eyes continued to follow the khaki covered man across the room.

"As it turned out the General's wife happened to be in the back seat when I took it but that doesn't matter now." Flagg said as he moved to stand in front of the desk.

Still curious as to why the disgraced Lt. Colonel was standing before him Frank realized he hadn't quite gotten the answer he was looking for yet. "That still doesn't tell me why you are here." Frank said, slightly paranoid that Flagg was trying to gather evidence of some new crime he had committed, perhaps taking home those war souvenirs wasn't such a good idea. It couldn't be that he was here about the 4077th. That chapter of his life was officially closed now that he was back home where he was safe. After all, it wasn't as if he had any friends back in Korea. What could Flagg possibly need him for?

Looking down at the doctor, Flagg gave him a hard look of seriousness, conveying that he wasn't here to play. "I believe my demotion was the result of enemies that have made their way into even the highest levels of the C.I.A., and I'm here because I need to bring in a man from the outside, someone that I can trust, someone that I know to be a model American. That's where you come in, Burns."

Giving his fellow Lt. Colonel a weasel-like laugh, Frank simply grinned upwards, at least until he saw that the man wasn't kidding around after all. "Why me, Sir? I mean sure, I'm as American as apple pie and baseball, and willing to do anything for my country but surely you can see that I'm not really cut out for such a dangerous line of work."

"Soldier, What I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room, do you understand?" Flagg stated, stoically as he looked suspiciously around the room, checking to see if anyone was listening in, despite the hospital being closed for any sort of visitation over an hour ago. "I can no longer trust anyone in my outfit with this top secret information." Suddenly, he stormed over to the other side of the room, grabbing Frank's ladybug habitarium, smashing it against the far wall, watching it shatter into tiny glass shards.

"That's my pet!" Frank shouted, getting up out of his chair and going over to attempt to save his beloved companion, looking up at Flagg as if he too had lost his mind. "What on earth do you think you were doing?"

"I suspected it was bugged, you can never be too careful after all." Flagg said as he looked down at Lt. Colonel Burns, who was frantically cradling one of the dotted creatures in the palm of his hand.

Frank stood up and grabbed a glass of water off his desk, throwing the water onto one of his office plants, before placing the ladybug inside it's new makeshift home. Looking over his shoulder at Flagg, who was moving up beside him, Frank suddenly thought he might have understood what Flagg was thinking for a moment before realizing that he really didn't have a clue and was too bothered with his pet to care much.

Slamming a fist down on the desk, startling Frank once again, Flagg continued his explanation. "I need you to return to the 4077th on a fact finding mission, I need you to go back in there and dig up everything you can about fresh fruits and vegetables." Looking down at him with a look that was somewhere between anger and insanity.

For a moment Frank wanted to laugh again at Flagg's comments, secretly thinking it was sort of funny for him to ask him to 'dig up' information on fruits and vegetables, but thought better of it as he knew Flagg was completely serious. "So, let me get this straight, you want me to go back to Korea to ask around about some apples and carrots? You really are crazy if you think for one minute that I would go back into that snake pit!" Frank said as he picked off a leaf from one of his bamboo plants, placing it in the glass beside his ladybug. "But really, I mean, why send me on such a routine mission? It isn't exactly like I have any friends back in Korea. I would be surprised if any of that lot of misfits would even speak a single word to me at all."

"That's exactly why I need you, the importance of this mission must not be underminded by fraternizing with the enemy." Flagg said as he grabbed the glass from Frank, holding it up to the light under his scrutiny, as if he wasn't entirely sure that it was a real bug.

Surprised by what he was saying, and half afraid that his pet would suffer some new form of torture if he didn't give Flagg the response he wanted, Frank settled for looking straight into his eyes, hoping that he didn't mean what he thought he did. "You don't mean to say that some one at the 4077th is a Commie, do you?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying, that's why your country needs you to do your duty, soldier." Flagg said as he squeezed the glass so hard that it too shattered, leaving little bits of glass buried into the palm of his hand.

"Stop that!" Frank yelled, no longer caring what the crazy man in his office had to say. "Get out now! Do you hear me?" Crouching down Frank scooped up his only pet, no doubt the poor creature had suffered serious internal damage from falling such a height. Saddened, Frank thought back to the last, and only other pet he had ever owned, his dog. Unfortunately, Louise had taken him away from him in the divorce too, leaving Frank companionless until he had seen an advertisement in the newspaper about starting up your own ladybug farm. "What could vegetables possibly have to do with a filthy communist sympathizer anyway!"

"That's classified, but you can bet your G.I. Bill that it means our success in the Pacific Theater, are you in?" Flagg said as he walked over towards the door, turning to look back at Burns.

Looking at Flagg, and feeling like he was suffering from some sort of stress induced hallucination, Frank replied, no longer caring what the loony Lt. Colonel had to say. "Go pester somebody else! I've had enough of Korea for one lifetime."

Striding back towards Frank, Flagg thought he had a surefire way to get Burns on his side. "All right, Comrade, I think I know how we can work this out, you come with me back to Korea, and I'll personally see to it that you're promoted to full Colonel in the C.I.A." Placing a hand on either side of the shorter man, bearing down upon him in an attempt to solicit his agreement. "Think about it Burns, waltzing back to your old unit, on par with your old commanding officer, no longer the sniveling Major you once were. Think about how great it will be to show off to everyone who thought you were down and out. Think about a certain head nurse, how she would feel seeing her old flame, someone she turned down, a full Colonel."

"You mean Margaret?" Frank asked as he tried to shut out the thought of her once again, as he had done so many times before. "What good would that do me? She already knows I've been promoted to Lt. Colonel, and besides, she's got Lt. Colonel...what's his name. She doesn't want me and I don't want her!" Frank lied through his teeth, taking a breath to steady himself. He hadn't been ready to have the thought of Margaret in his head again, let alone the thought of being able to show her that he made good after the disastrous way he had left things. It didn't matter now, what could possibly make Flagg, or anyone else, think that Margaret would ever so much as speak to him again?

Sensing the effect his words had, Flagg had found the chink in Frank's armor that he had been looking for. "Margaret is no longer married to Lt. Colonel Donald Penobscot, she divorced him shortly after you left, more importantly, I don't think I need to tell you that America's future depends upon the success of this mission." Flagg finished as he took a step back from his prey.

Margaret got a divorce. He couldn't believe it. He let the words sink in for a minute, Margaret got a divorce from that lousy Donald Penobscot. She was available again! The thought sent thrills down his spine as he perked up immediately at the thought of seeing the Head Nurse once again. With himself a Colonel in the C.I.A. she would have to take him back, he just knew she would!

"All right Lt. Colonel Flagg I'm in!" Frank agreed quickly, without thinking it all the way though, he didn't have to, it sounded good to him all the way around. Getting to show off his golden Colonel bird to everyone in camp who had doubted his capabilities when it came to leadership, getting paid to ask a few simple questions, but most of all, getting to prove to Margaret that he deserved her more than any other man. After all, who was he to doubt the way things worked in the Army? They hadn't failed him thus far!

"That a boy, Burns! We leave first thing tomorrow for the 4077th., be sure that your ready to go, and one more thing, be sure to have that little guy checked out by a doctor." Flagg said, pointing at Frank's ladybug before kicking down the door of Frank's office, startling some of the elderly patients that were out for an evening walk inside the hospital.

Frank thought it was rather odd for Flagg to leave in such a fashion, after all he never let anyone see him leave, ever. I guess that means he trusts me. He thought to himself as he opened one of his desk drawers, shuffling things around until he found an old specimen dish, placing his pet inside before placing the dish inside his lab coat pocket. Grabbing his overcoat and rushing for the door, he couldn't hold back his excitement at the thought of going back to the 4077th. To think that just a few minutes ago he had never considered that he would be going back to Korea, let alone willingly, and that he was going to get to see Margaret again. Things are going to be quite a bit different this time around. Frank smiled to himself on his way out the door.

If there was one thing he had learned, it was that the Army did indeed work in mysterious ways.


	2. A Second Chance

At first, the trip to Seoul had been smoother than Frank had expected. Having packed his bags the night before, he left first thing in the morning after he had his usual cup of coffee, a single slice of toast and an egg, sunny side up. His transportation had been arranged by Flagg, whom he was a bit surprised to learn would be traveling separately from him. Deciding not to think too hard about something so trivial, Frank tossed his bags into the back seat of a worn down military transport vehicle before making his way over to the passengers side and letting himself in, but not before he gave a quick farewell salute to his apartment. Giving the signal for his driver to move out, Frank took in a breath of clean air to steady his nerves as they started on their way.

Baer Army Airfield was only a short drive from his place and Frank was thankful for it, having never liked long car rides as he had a tendency to become car sick. Picking up his orders at the front desk, he arrived at the terminal right before his flight was due for take off. After that his journey had become one long series of flights, one right after the other. From Fort Wayne to San Francisco, San Francisco to Honolulu, Honolulu to Tokyo, and finally from Tokyo to Incheon.

From Incheon, he had managed to hitch a ride to Seoul, where he placed a call to Colonel Potter at the 4077th to let him know that he had arrived safely. His former Colonel had sounded nicer over the phone than he had remembered him being and he took it as a good sign that his time back at the 4077th might not be as unpleasant as he had imagined it would be. Sure, he knew he didn't get along well with anyone at camp, but knowing that someone there would at least try to be polite to him had put him a little more at ease with the situation.

Not to say that his stay would be an entirely pleasant one, Pierce and Hunnicutt would no doubt go out of their way to make his stay as unbearable as possible. However the thought of those two provocateurs was overshadowed by the thought of Margaret. He honestly believed that just the sight of her once more would be enough to sustain him for the rest of his days, as her rejection of him was still a possibility that lingered heavily upon his heart. No, that wouldn't happen again, he would see to that. Now that he was a man of quality, a soon to be Colonel in the C.I.A., he was sure her opinion of him would be changed. He would prove to her that he had mended his ways, that he was no longer the Ferret Face Frank Burns that had made a complete fool of himself in front of everyone. Although he wasn't sure how he was going to do that just yet, he knew that however he did do it would have to be sincere, thoughtful and all of the things that he was not used to being. Not only that, he would have to prove himself in a hurry as return to the 4077th would only be for a few days, but he was sure he could do it somehow. Not only for Margaret, but for himself as well.

But for now, with nothing else to do but wait for someone to come and take him back to the camp, he decided to kill the time by buying himself a drink at one of the many pop-up parlours that lined the streets nearby. Upon purchasing a warm Orange Crush from a rather weathered looking woman, he found himself a relatively clean spot next to a brick wall of a building that was half standing, half collapsed and sat down, watching as the makeshift town went about it's day.

It was a much different sight than the last time he had seen it, unfortunately, it was much worse. As the war had dragged on without him, Frank could see the devastation that it had brought upon the people of Korea. Women and children alike were lined up at far as his eyes could see, hiding in plain sight, clothed in a layer of dirt and rags that wouldn't pass for use in the scrubbing of grease from a tire. Some even had newspaper scraps tied to their feet, the kind that he recalled seeing in his formative years during the great depression.

The sight of them brought forth the memory of a little boy he had seen as a child, one who wore those same makeshift shoes about his feet. He had laughed and pointed at the boy as he was walking to a bus stop with his parents, who promptly shushed him, explaining that it wasn't nice to make fun of those who had less than he did. Confused as to why the boy wasn't wearing shoes like all of the other children he had seen, his mother explained to him that some families had lost everything they had a few years ago during the dustbowl, that they only had what clothes they had on their backs, and when their clothing and shoes were worn through that they didn't have any money to replace them. At the time he hadn't understood why the boy's parents did not just get a job and buy their kid shoes, were they not ashamed that their child had nothing? Were they really that lazy?

Only now that he was older did he realize just what the people of Korea were going through and he could not manage to hold back the few warm tears that escaped from his eyes. Some of those tears were for himself. How could he have been so thoughtless and unfeeling during his original stay here? These people were here the entire time, why hadn't he figured out just what they were going through before? No wonder everyone had thought so little of him, he realized, it had been because he had thought so little of everyone else, and it pained him to think that he had shown not so much as an ounce of compassion before now.

Moving from his place up against the wall, he wiped the tears from his face in a hurry, not wanting anyone to see them, before grabbing his medical bag and going over to one of the families nearby. Of course he wouldn't have time to see everyone before someone came and picked him up, but for now, it seemed the right thing to do to provide what small amount of comfort he could to as many of the disheartened and desperate people that had suddenly surrounded him as possible.


	3. A Dreaded Assignment

"I don't know, Hawkeye, Colonel Potter has already volunteered Sophie to help plow the fields and Father Mulcahy is working on forming a detail to help with the planting, but without that equipment I just don't see any way that they will get it all done in time." B.J. said, tossing a homemade basketball, made up of miscellaneous articles of clothing, over the copper tubing of the still to the dark haired surgeon.

Picking up the ball of dirty laundry that had landed beside him and throwing it down on the floor, Hawkeye tried to solve the problem the only way he knew how, by talking it out. "Yeah, well, if they don't get those seeds started in time, those forty kids down at the orphanage are gonna starve to death, you know, and there won't be a damn thing we can do about it." Standing up and shoving his hands in the pockets of his bathrobe, ill content with the thought of children dying of something as preventable as starvation, he began to pace around the Swamp. "I wish we could get our hands on those tools, but they're as good as gold over here, no one's going to trade them away for anything, we can't send away for them because it would take months for them to get here and by that time it will be too late."

"Not to mention that they probably wouldn't even make it here with all the black marketeers lurking about this miserable country." Charles chimed in from his corner of the tent, taking his eyes away from his novel to look nonchalantly at the duo he was addressing.

"Way to stay positive Chuck." B.J. said, shooting the Major an insincere smile.

"Gentleman, can you not see that I am clearly trying to read? Now, while I am painfully aware that you have not an ounce of decency between the pair of you, I am asking you both nicely, please, just this once can you at least try to remain quiet?" Returning to his novel, Winchester began to scan the page, trying to locate his place.

Taken aback by his words and giving him a look of utter bewilderment, Hawkeye, almost couldn't believe what he was hearing. While used to the man's inconsiderate attitude towards members of the camp, it was something else entirely for him to be so insouciant when it came to the suffering of children. Unable to contain his outrage at Charles' indifference, he walked over and snatched the book from his hands, before opening the door of their tent and hurling it at hard as he could across the compound with an arch that would have made Spearchucker proud.

"Why you inconsiderate..." Charles manage to get out before being cut off by both Hawkeye and B.J., who now had him cornered against his desk.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU CHARLES? Children who are huddled together in a shack, not knowing where their next meal is going to come from are going to die from starvation and all you can think about is you!" Hawkeye said, talking down to the Boston Brahmin who was now rising from his chair, and glaring back at him.

"What, pray tell, do you expect me to do about it? While I am not lacking in compassion to their plight, we have no tools and no way of getting them, and I do not see what good it could possibly do any of us to dwell on that fact." Winchester said as he stood his ground, looking at both men with a sense of unease.

"Charles, if you say one more discouraging word, I'm going to get Colonel Potter, because by the time Hawkeye and I get done with you, your going to need a surgeon." B.J. said, looking directly at Charles, who was clearly about to take umbrage at his words, before Radar knocked on their door.

"Sorry, Sirs, I hope I'm not interrupting anything but Colonel Potter wants to see you two in his office on the double." Radar said, pointing to Pierce and Hunnicutt.

"What for?" B.J. asked, taking a step back from Charles, who gave him a precarious glance in return.

"You wouldn't believe me, even if I told ya, but trust me, you Sirs are not gonna wanna miss this." Radar said as he gave them a half smile.

Exchanging curious glances with one another, the two Captains mumbled their thanks and headed over to the Colonel's office, but not before sending a parting glare towards Charles, who equally returned their gaze.

The mini stand off did not go unnoticed by the Company Clerk, who tried to defuse the tension by fumbling around in his mail bag and removing a telegram. "Here's a telegram for you, Major Winchester."

"Thank you, Corporal, that is all." Charles said, before taking the telegram and dismissing the messenger with a wave of his hand.

 

"What's so unbelievable that we have to hear it straight from Colonel Potter?" B.J. asked as Radar caught up with them, the trio taking leisurely strides to the Colonel's office in an attempt to delay any bad news from coming their way.

"Oh no, I'm not gonna be the one to tell you, Sirs, about this." Radar said, confidently as he slung his mail bag behind his shoulder.

"Why do I not like the sound of that?" Hawkeye said as he crossed his arms defensively.

"Because it sounds like something we don't want to hear." B.J. said, answering the rhetorical question as Radar held open the door to his office for them, taking off his straw hat and fiddling with the edges before stopping.

"You ready for this, Hawk?" B.J. asked, looking over as he rocked on his heels.

"I don't know if I am or not, every time I think I have a hold on this place some new disaster comes along to prove me wrong." Hawkeye said, watching his Commander stride through the doors leading into Post-O.P..

"There you two are." The Colonel said, folding one hand behind his back, using the other to point them into his office. "We need to talk."

"There's someone else isn't there? I should have known you were that kind of man." Hawkeye said jokingly as they walked into the Colonel's office, using his humor in an attempt to shield himself from what he felt was certain to be something rather unpleasant.

"Actually, Pierce, you're not far off." Moving around to sit at his desk, the Colonel folded his arms in front of him, resting them on his desk. "I don't know how to tell you two this, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Frank Burns is coming back to the 4077th."

"You're joking right?" B.J. said as they looked at their Commanding Officer, waiting for him to tell them it was a comment made in jest. "You're not joking."

Exchanging looks of disbelief and outrage, Hawkeye had finally had enough. "Colonel, you can't do this to us! Can't you refuse and have him shipped off to another unit? It's unfair to have to suffer through him again, it's outrageous, more than that it's legalized torture!" Hawkeye said, tapping his finger on the desk to emphasis his disdain, before beginning to pace around the office, not entirely sure if he hadn't just pole vaulted over his breaking point.

"If you would let me finish." Potter said, gesturing to the chairs in front of his desk, waiting for them to sit down. "According to H.Q., he's only going to be here for a couple of days, on a fact finding mission, which means that you two won't have to put up with him long, just long enough for him to do his job and move on." Standing up and making his way over to the liquor cabinet, he grabbed three glasses and a bottle of whisky, handing a glass to each man before filling them up and taking a seat on his own desk.

"You know what that means don't you, Colonel?" B.J. began in a voice laced with dread, "It means he's going to go all over camp, looking for every little flaw he can find to get us into hot water, this is his way of getting back at us for all the things we did to him, only now, he's a Lt. Colonel, and is going to go out of his way to make our lives a living hell." finishing his summary of the situation, he sat his drink down untouched, too depressed at the return of a certain Ferret Face to enjoy it.

"That miserable little fink." Hawkeye spat, looking angrily down at his own drink before swallowing it all at once, knowing that even a good drink wouldn't be enough to quell his distaste for everything around him. He hated Frank Burns, he hated the Army, but most of all he hated the stupid war that was making it all possible.

"Now, boys, it would be a grand gesture to your dear old Colonel, if you two could put aside your difference for the duration of his visit, it shouldn't be too hard, as I have arranged for him to stay in the V.I.P. tent, so the only times you will see him will be in the mess tent or maybe O.R., I know he isn't the greatest surgeon, but no matter what I want you two to stay buttoned up around him because the last thing we need is to give him anything he can put into his report, okie dokie?" Potter said as he slid off his desk and back into his chair, looking at them expectantly, hoping that they would agree to not go looking for trouble.

"Alright, Colonel, we promise, but just one thing, what are we going to do about his report, you know he is going to try everything he can to make us look bad and we don't need him ruining our reputation, otherwise the Army could disband this unit and break us all up, you know." Hawkeye said, worried that Frank was finally going to get exactly what he had always wanted, to separate B.J. from him.

"I tell you what we're gonna do, we're gonna make sure that he has nothing to complain about in the first place." The Colonel said, watching as Radar walked into his office, not even bothering to holler for him, knowing that he always knew when he was needed. "Radar, I want you to get together with Klinger and I want to two of you to gather some of the men, I want you to restock everything that can be restocked, I want you to order everything we can order and I want to see this camp running smoother than it has ever ran before, you got all that, son?"

"Yes, Sir, I'll get right on it, Sir." Radar said before disappearing through the office doors.

"Now, I've got one more favor to ask of you two before you go, I need you to run into Seoul and pick him up this afternoon, Sergeant Rizzo has a jeep waiting for you down by the motor pool, I hate to ask this of you, but with the nurses helping Father Mulcahy at the orphanage and the men sprucing up the place, there just isn't anyone else around to do it, unless of course you could convince Winchester to go for you." Colonel Potter said, looking at each of them, waiting for the slew of snarky comments that was sure to follow.

"Ah, well, when you put it that way I guess we better get going, we all know that Winchester doesn't go anywhere without a chauffeur." B.J. said sarcastically as he rose from his seat, putting his hat back on and shoving his hands in his pockets, fisting them up in an attempt to let out some of his anger in a peaceful fashion.

"Besides, we wouldn't want to bother him while he's busy." Hawkeye said, moving to stand next to B.J. as they prepared to leave.

"Hold on a minute, Winchester has the day off. What's he up to?" Potter asked, curiously.

"Oh, nothing, just out hunting for Audubon." Hawkeye replied, half a smile on his face as he walked out.

"What does he mean by that Hunnicutt?" The Colonel inquired further, more confused now than he had been before, knowing that there was no such animal named audubon, at least not that he was aware of.

"We got into it with Charles back in the Swamp and Hawkeye threw out his leather bound copy of The Birds Of America by John Audubon." B.J. clarified before taking his own leave, sighing as he walked out of the Colonel's office.

"Oh, well that explains it." Potter said to himself, wondering how on earth he was going to keep the pair of them away from Burns, knowing that trouble was sure to follow the Lt. Colonel's return, no matter what orders he gave his top chest cutters.


	4. Heading Out

"Back so soon?" Winchester lamented as the chief surgeon and his farceur friend re-entered The Swamp, wiping off the spine of his mud drenched, leather bound book before taking note of their sudden depression with slight interest. "What was it?"

Snatching his medical bag from atop his footlocker, Hawkeye shot a 'What the Hell' look towards B.J. before shrugging his shoulders, pursing his lips and continuing to pack his to-go back in silence.

"It is serious, then?" Charles inquired further, his curiousity piqued vaguely higher by anything that would reduce the normally vocal pair to such disquieting silence. Setting his book down upon his desk, he reached over to reexamine the telegram that Radar had left earlier.

"Colonel Potter has just informed us that Major Frank Burns is coming back here to the 4077th on a fact finding tour." B.J. said flatly as he sat down on the end of his cot and slipped a boot over one of his famously big feet, tugging the hard leather up over a heel as his eyes roamed around the room in search of his own medical kit.

"You mean Lt. Colonel Frank Burns." Hawkeye corrected with an element of bitter sarcasm in his voice. 'Only in the Army could Frank Burns be placed in charge of anything, including himself.', he thought quietly as he shed his bathrobe, hanging it upon one of the hooks he had attached to the tent frame in favor of his well worn olive drab jacket. To him, the jacket that summed up and symbolized his purpose in Korea. To be cut up and sewn into a prefabricated, uniform pattern, only to be used until he himself was worn through before finally being discarded at the Army's nearest convenience. He had never really cared much for the color green before, now he was certain that once this war was over it was a color that he would never wear again.

Rising up, B.J. shoved his bag under one arm before resting a palm upon the tent's stove pipe, glancing down and over at Charles, who was now sporting the most obnoxious smirk he had ever see. "Don't get your homes up yet, Charles, Frank is only going to be here a couple of days, that means he isn't here to replace you or us so you can kiss those dreams of being reassigned and shipped back to Tokyo or getting rid of us farewell. Now grinning himself, delighted at having burst Winchester's bubble, B.J. turned his attention to Hawkeye. "You ready?"

"Yeah, Beej, just a minute, HEY CHARLES!" Hawkeye yelled, regaining his oblivious tent mate's attention once more. "Didn't you hear what B.J. said?" He asked, watching for any signs of acknowledgement from the other half of the room.

"Hmm? Oh yes, gentleman." Charles said as he tucked away the telegram he had been reading into his shirt pocket.

"You're not going to Toyko or home and neither as we so why are you still smiling like a cease fire was just signed?"

"Because the enemy of my enemies is my friend." Winchester said, reaching next to B.J.'s head and clutching his cap, preparing to venture outside of the circus tent in which he currently stood, not daring to think of it as a home away from home, his real home away from home being in Martha's Vineyard.

"Is that new cologne I smell?" B.J. asked as he exchanged a knowing look with Hawkeye. "What's the occasion, Charles? Is the Boston Symphony Orchestra coming here on tour?"

"Having another mid-day meeting with Major Houlihan, are we?" Hawkeye spoke in a now upbeat tone as he moved closer to his fellow bunkmates, now smiling along with them as well. "You two crazy kids you! So, it is serious?"

"Hawk, it must be, you could smell him all the way from the mess tent." B.J. chimed in before it dawned on him and before the Major could put forth a word in defense, he began to laugh.

"What is it, Beej?" Hawkeye asked, not seeing the same level of humor in his words as B.J. clearly had.

"Don't you see? It's Margaret, she doesn't know Frank is coming back yet." B.J. finished as he watched the realization and subsequent laughter from his best friend.

"Beej, Beej, how do you think we should tell her?" Hawkeye managed to get out through several burst of heartfelt laughter.

"Tell her what? What would she care about this Lt. Colonel Frank Burns fellow? Granted, I relish the opportunity to meet this thorn in your sides and am looking forward to getting out the line of seltzer fire for however long his stay should last, I can not see how this would be of any concern to the Major, given that you have described this man on more than one occasion as having, how do you say, a ferret face?" Winchester spoke softy, trying to downplay his interest as to how this visit could pertain to the recent interest he had taken in Major Margaret Houlihan.

"Wait, Charles, you mean you never wondered how Margaret got the name Hot Lips?" B.J. asked incredulously, his smile still evidence below his thick mustache.

Studying the two men carefully, Charles inquired. "Do you two mean to imply that there was something going on between the Major and this Lt. Colonel Ferret Face Frank Burns?" His disbelief evidence on his features, he took a step closer to the door and rose to his full height.

Smiling at the Major, Hawkeye confirmed his suspicions, his eyes and smile sparking with a certain air of scandal as he did so, telling him of Houlihan's fling with the former Major. "Charles, she was what made Frank crazy in the first place."

"You two really expect me to believe that our Major Houlihan, who's tastes in men run from Penobscot Blue Blood to Four Star General had an affair with this man?" Winchester asked again, wary that the two other men in the tent were merely trying to pull his leg.

"Let's put it this way, they liked to play doctor together." B.J. stated plainly, he and Hawkeye shaking their heads in a sign of accurate summation. "Why are you suddenly so interested? Could it be that there is something between you and the Major and you don't want Frank cutting into your own playtime with her?" B.J. accused evenly, suspecting something between the Majors but lacking concrete evidence to support his assertion.

"Nonsense! I simply prefer her company as opposed to you two cretins, is that really so difficult to believe? I was merely curious if there was anything unsavory about this, Burns fellow, that it would naturally concern me, as a friend, of course." Charles explained away quickly, watching with a small measure of agitation as Hawkeye and B.J. carried on with their knowing looks.

"Excuse me again, Sirs, Oh!, Sorry, Major." Radar apologized hastily, pulling the tent door back towards himself in a hurry, noting the quickly consealed glimmer of pain that crossed the now thoroughly agitated Bostonian's face at having the toe of his boot jammed beneath the door by his brisk entry.

"What, is it, Corporal?" Charles managed to get out through gritted teeth.

"Oh, it's, uh, the Captain's jeep is ready." Radar said with a quick, tight smile before turning towards the Captains in question. "I told you, you wouldn't believe it." He said with a shrug before heading out of The Swamp and over to the Motor Pool with Hawkeye and B.J. in tow.

"Good day Captains, just sign here and this here beauty will be all yours." Rizzo said with his thick, Southern drawl as he handed a clipboard over to the two doctors to sign.

"Hey Rizzo, do us a favor and let Colonel Potter know that if we don't make it back alive, it's Frank's doing." B.J. said as he tossed his bag over the seat as he climbed into the passenger side of the jeep.

"Yeah, I'll do that. You two best be careful, now." Rizzo said as he took his cigar in hand and pointed down the road out of camp. "There's been a couple reports 'bout some North Koreans on the prowl out there. It don't look too good if you ask me."

"That's why we're not asking you." B.J. said with a slight smirk before grabbing the bag that Hawkeye handed over to him and giving him a hand into the driver's side of the jeep.

"Thanks for the warning, Rizzo, now if there was only a way to warn the North Koreans about Frank Burns." Hawkeye said, taking the keys from Radar's hand and placing them in the ignition.

"You mean Major Frank Burns is coming back, here?" Rizzo said in disbelief before placing his cigar back in his mouth. "I gots ta go!"

"Me too, Sirs!" Radar said before taking his leave.

"That's Lt. Colonel Frank Burns now and why the rush?" B.J. asked, amused to see Rizzo in a light panic.

"Because, Sirs, I gots a hot dice game going on tonight with some of the boys. If Major, I mean, Lt. Colonel Burns finds out he'll bust me right on down to Private!" Rizzo said before turning around and bumping right into Corporal Klinger.

"Hey! Watch were you're going!" Klinger said as he gave Rizzo a displeased look. "What's all the hoopla about?"

"Frank Burns is coming back!" Rizzo said before heading back to the compound.

"Frank Burns is coming back here? Is that true Captains?" Klinger asked as he stood by the driver's side of the jeep.

"I'm afraid so." B.J. confirmed with a nod from the passenger's side. "Hey Klinger, why aren't you busy helping the others spruce up the camp?"

"I am, Sirs, but I thought I would come by and ask you two for a little favor." Klinger began his plea.

"Klinger, forget it, we can't smuggle you to Toledo in the back of this jeep." Hawkeye said, genuinely sorry that he couldn't send him and everyone else home.

"It's nothing like that, you see, it's for a friend. I need you to get me a box of these chocolates from Seoul." Klinger explained, handing Hawkeye a card with the brand name on it. "It's got to be exactly that kind, can you please do me this favor, oh Captain, my Captain?"

"Can do Klinger, but who are they for?" Hawkeye smiled, handing the card over to B.J. to tuck away.

"They're for a friend of Radar's. Thank you, Sirs!" Klinger said hurriedly before turning to hurry back to the compound, not giving Hawkeye or B.J. a chance to question him about this friend of Radar's before bumping into the oncoming Colonel Potter on the way.

"No doubt part of Rizzo's poker game." B.J. noted.

"Sounds to me like Radar has got himself a girl." Hawkeye noted to B.J., smiling.

"About time too. Here comes Potter." B.J. said as he settled further back into his seat with raised eyebrows and an amused smirk.

Coming to stand beside the jeep, folding his hands together behind him, Colonel Potter bounced on his heels lightly as he looked at two of the finest doctors he had ever had the honor of knowing and waited for their attention.

Turning their heads to look over at their commanding officer, Hawkeye and Hunnicutt nodded in recognition at the man from Hannibal, Missouri.

Motioning in the direction that Radar, Rizzo and Klinger had all taken off down, Colonel Potter asked. "Care to explain what was all that hurrying about, is about?"

"That was their reaction to finding out that Frank Burns is returning. You see, they had a dice game planned for tonight but they decided that gambling with their stripes is too high stakes for them." B.J. explained to his C.O..

Shaking his head and rolling back on his heels once more, looking at the pair of men in the jeep, Colonel Potter nodded his understanding. "Well then, that's probably for the best. The last thing we need right now is to give Burns anything he could use to give this outfit a black eye. Now, I just came here to see you boys off and to ask you one more time for you cooperation. I want you two to promise me that you will try you best to play nice together. Look, the man has already gone off the deep end once before, there is no need to send him down that road again and I still haven't figured out how I'm going to tell Major Houlihan about his return, so please, for me, your beloved Commanding Officer, be nice to the man." Potter finished his final plea, listening as Hawkeye and B.J. gave their scouts honor that they would do no harm. "Oh and just one more little thing, just between you two and me, I have my concern about Burns' return too. I'm worried he might try and start something with Margaret so I want you two to help me make sure that they are not left alone together. I don't think that Margaret means any harm but something in my gut tells me that Frank might. So will you boys help me do this?"

"Sure thing, Colonel." Hawkeye said, turning to look at B.J. and then back towards Colonel Potter again, shaking their heads in agreement. "Well, so long, Colonel." He finished before turning the jeep on and driving down the road out of camp, driving past the camp's M.P. checkpoint before getting on the road.


	5. Seoul

"This stinks." B.J. said in summation as he and Hawkeye made their way down another uneven dirt road in the Korean countryside. He grabbed hold of the passenger side door tightly, his other hand holding his helmet to his head to keep it from bouncing off as they hit another large pot hole. As bad as the roads in this country were, he figured that it wouldn't be long before the war was called off on account of no one being able to get to where they needed to be in order to make this organized misery possible.

"You've got that right." Hawkeye said as he clung with both hands to the wheel, the only seemingly stable thing as they continued along their way. It wouldn't be much longer before they reached Seoul. It seemed like he couldn't get there fast enough. The faster they reached Seoul, the sooner they could get to Frank and the sooner they could get what was sure to be yet another low point in their tours of duty over with.

Looking over at Hawkeye as their jeep lurched once more, B.J. didn't know what to think of their situation. It was madness going to pick up their executioner as if they were friends. Nothing seemed to make sense since he had arrived in Korea and he wasn't sure just how much more of this insanity either of them would be able to take. "What do you suppose we do?" He asked.

"I don't know, Beej." Hawkeye responded, his eyes fixed on the bombing range that the military had clearly mistaken for a road in front of them. "You don't suppose we could just threaten to beat him within an inch of his life do you? I mean, if he is going to send us to Leavenworth anyway we might as well make the punishment fit the crime."

Shifting to grab hold of the seat or anything else that would give him purchase, B.J. answered. "I doubt it. Besides, we promised Colonel Potter we would at least try to be good to the Fink."

"That's right, but what Colonel Potter doesn't know, won't hurt him." Hawkeye replied as they slowed down before yet another checkpoint.

"Hold it!" The guard said as he approached their vehicle. "State your names and purpose, please."

"I'm Captain Pierce, this guy over here is Captain Hunnicutt. We're doctors from the 4077th M*A*S*H and we are here to pick up another surgeon who belongs to our outfit, Lieutenant Colonel Frank Burns. Do you know where we can find him, please? We're kind of in a hurry." Hawkeye explained, none too pleased that he was having to spend his downtime playing chauffeur for a louse of a surgeon.

After a moment of checking his clipboard, the MP replied. "Alright, everything checks out. Before I came on duty, a few blocks down that way, there was some kind of doctor checking out the local folks. I don't know if that's your guy but it might be a good place to start checking." With that, the guard waved them past the barricade.

Hawkeye turned to B.J., who was also laughing at this point before they rolled into the compound. "Could you imagine?" Hawkeye managed to get out between laughs. "Frank, giving care to the local poor? What do you suppose he would bill them for that?"

"First of all, Hawk, Frank would never care for anyone who wasn't American and secondly he wouldn't do any work on credit alone." B.J. answered as they drove along, slowly. "It can't be Frank but since we are already here, it couldn't hurt to check in with this guy and see if has seen Frank."

"You're right, Beej." Hawkeye said as they pulled up along side a long line of refugees. "God, would you look at this." He whispered to B.J., mentioning the many homeless women and children lined up to see the doctor. There were far too many, meaning that most would not get what limited medical attention that was being donated. The sight alone was enough to stir the feelings of sadness and hatred in equal measure within.

"Just an unnamed side effect of the war machine." B.J. stated in a flat, emotionless tone, trying to shut out the knowledge that he was unable to aid these people. It was the hardest part of his job without a doubt, knowing that while he could do good here in this country and that he could help many people, that no matter how good he was or what he did, that it just wouldn't be enough to save them all from perfectly preventable illnesses.

"Oh my God, B.J, look at this, look at him." Hawkeye said, mouth slightly agape as they reached the front of the line where Frank stood, attending to a young Korean girl, a smile on his face.

It had been awhile since they had last seen Frank, but it was unmistakably him. He stood tall and looked rather sharp in his newly issued uniform, the dust and blood of the war ravaged country not having yet found their home in the crisp folds among the G.I. green material. While he and B.J. had both aged well beyond their years in the time they had been here, Frank looked fresh as a daisy. His hair had grown slightly longer during his absence, yet remained a respectably short length.

'Not too long, not too short.' Hawkeye thought as he sat still in his jeep, appraising the other man in silence. He looked over at B.J., who too was taking in the unusual sight in front of them with a small amount of awe.

"Home looks good on him, I wonder if it will look that good on us when we go home too." B.J. said as looked over at his best friend.

"Let's hope so." Hawkeye said as he watched Frank turn to look at them.

"Fellas! Long time, no see!" Frank said brightly as he helped the Korean girl down off the wooden crate and walked over to the passenger side of the jeep.

"Hello Frank." Hawkeye and B.J. said in unison, not really sure of what to say next.

"I wasn't really expecting you two to be the ones to come and get me. This is a nice surprise." Frank began, tentatively treading on unfamiliar footing when it came to dealing amicably with the two Captains.

"Right, um, Frank." B.J. began as he took his helmet off his head and cradled it in his hands as he remained in his seat, tilting his head up to get a better look at Frank in the afternoon sun. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm talking to you two of course." Frank said, smiling obliviously as he glanced between his two former tent mates.

"No, Frank, what B.J. means is what are you doing with these Koreans?" Hawkeye elaborated as he gestured to the long line that had formed down the street.

Frank looked to Hawkeye in confusion. "Why, I'm examining them of course."

Hawkeye looked over at B.J. before the pair looked back at Frank, incredulously. "Frank, these people have no money. What are you getting from them as payment?" B.J. asked bluntly.

"Nothing, my plane got here earlier today and I saw these people and I thought I would help them out." Frank said as he folded his hands behind his back and rocked on his heels.

"Come on, Frank." B.J. continued. "You don't really expect us to believe that now do you? You don't have to lie to us, we know you."

Suddenly, the smile left Frank's face and he stopped rocking. "That was the old Frank Burns. I've changed since I had my... well, time to myself to think about things." He looked at the members of his former outfit, his lips pursed. Their words had hurt. They were right of course, up until now, all his life had been about was chasing the almighty dollar, but no more.

Falling back into bad habits, Hawkeye gave B.J. a look that signaled caution, he knew what they had promised Colonel Potter and antagonizing Frank was not going to help their cause. "Right, well, we need to hurry. The sun is going down and we still need to hit the PX for a few things. Are you ready to go?" B.J. said, correcting himself.

Frank simply tugged the brim of his hat downward and turned to grab his bags before throwing them in the back of the jeep. With a few jumbled words of rather broken Korean, Frank dismissed the line that had assembled. As he turned, an elderly woman holding a baby placed her hand upon his sleeve. He faced her, the eyes of the woman pleading with him to help the infant in her care. "Guys, can you go and get whatever it is you need down at the PX and then come back for me on the way out?" He asked, not bothering to turn back to look at them, his attention focused on the obviously malnourished baby before him.

"Yeah, sure. Just be right here when we get back, we won't be long." Hawkeye said in a quiet tone, shocked by Frank's behavior before heading off down towards the PX tent with B.J..


	6. Seoul Two

"Do you believe that?" B.J. asked Hawkeye as soon as they were out of earshot.

Giving B.J. a surprised look as they made their way into the parking area, Hawkeye wasn't sure of what to say. Shutting off the jeep and helping himself out, Hawkeye sighed as he stretched his arms out high above his head before moving them to rub at his lower back. While sheer repetition made many things easier in Korea, riding in a jeep never seemed to get any better, only worse with time as the roads and infrastructure continued to deteriorate as the war raged on.

Heading inside the series of large tents gathered together that formed the Seoul PX complex, he and B.J. made their way into the maze of display booths offering various kinds of comforts from home. Here, a soldier could find clothes, perfume and all manner of trinkets, everything a G.I. needs to get ready for a few nights of R&R in Tokyo. They were not interested in any of it but were instead searching the booths for anything that could be used as a shovel, hoe or rake. Unfortunately, no such tools were on display or on offer in the many catalogues available to them by the vendors who were eager to make a sale.

Defeated for the time being, they came across the vendor who sold the chocolates that Klinger had begged them to purchase on his behalf for Radar. Exchanging a good deal of script for a nicely decorated box of confectionery, the pair headed back to their jeep, but not before purchasing a bag of cooler and a bag of ice. In the Korean heat, the chocolate would not have lasted five minutes without being packed firmly alongside something to keep them from melting.

"Must be one hell of a girl Radar's found if we are going through all of this trouble." B.J. said aloud as they got back into the jeep.

"Yeah but it's too bad we couldn't find anything we could use to help out those starving Korean orphans who don't have the luxury of chocolate." Hawkeye said bitterly as he restarted the jeep and pulled out of the parking spot, ready to head back home.

B.J. didn't say a word as they pulled up to Frank, who was waiting patiently by the same wooden crate where they had found him earlier, the crowd having been dispersed earlier.

"Come on, Frank." Hawkeye said as he honked the horn, gaining Frank's attention, the other man having been lost in thought.

Wordlessly, Frank stepped up into the back of the jeep, throwing an arm over his bags and the cooler that were pack alongside him as they drove back to the compound's point of entry.

After being cleared, the trio headed back down the same winding, treacherous roads that they had been down before.


	7. Seoul Three

"Frank, don't take this the wrong way, but what you did back there, was great." B.J. said, honestly.

Taking this as a good sign, Frank allowed himself a small smile. "Thank you. Look, guys, I know I was messed up before but believe me, I've changed."

"Really?" Hawkeye started, not bothering to hide his annoyance at being lied to directly by higher brass than himself. "Is that why you are here on a fact finding tour? You've changed? Sure doesn't sound like you have to me. Don't play games with me Frank, I'm tired of being lied to out here in Korea."

"Hawk." B.J. began, trying to diffuse the situation before it spiraled out of control.

"No, B.J., For once, Frank is going to be straight with us. Aren't you, Frank?" Hawkeye yelled as the jeep bounced over another crater where road should have been. "Be honest, just say it, say you are here to get back at us for all the dirty, rotten things we did to you while you were here last."

"I'm not here to get back at you guys, honest." Frank stated sincerely. "I'm here because I was asked to find out what I can about how well the soldiers are eating."

"Oh come off it, Frank." Hawkeye said as he and B.J. gave a sarcastic snort at what they felt was a blatant lie that sounded like it came right out of the U.S. Army's propaganda manual. "Do you really think we are dumb enough to believe that is the reason you came all the way out here? You got shipped back home, got a promotion and a cushy job stateside and you supposedly want to come back to Korea to investigate something you have experienced first hand? You know how lousy our food is here, why come all the way back out here, especially back to the 4077th, unless you were out for revenge?"

"I'm not out for revenge or anything like that." Frank said defensively as they carried on their way. "It's nothing personal, I was asked to come back here, really."

"Oh, I know." B.J. said as the realization of Frank's true motives hit him. "This isn't about us, Hawk, this is about getting back at Margaret."

Hearing her name sent chills up Frank's spine as he sat silently in his seat, frozen to his spot. She was still here after all! Would she be right there waiting for him when he got back? He doubted it but when would he see her again? What would she think of him? He had a nervous breakdown, would she hold it against him? That thought alone sent a wave of shame rising to his cheeks and he slunk down in his seat, trying to hide his embarrassment at the thought of what she likely thought of him.

Taking his silence as a confirmation, Hawkeye continued. "Colonel Potter has made it clear that we are not to let you anywhere near Margaret, so you can forget it. I don't care if you throw us in the stockade, you leave her alone! And another thing, if you say so much as a word against the 4077th in your report, I'll take you out behind the woodshed, Lieutenant Colonel or not!"

Before Frank could get in another word, the thunderous sound of cannon fire came up out of nowhere and surrounded them.

"We're being shelled, pull over!" Frank shouted as the resulting blasts rained down around them. "They'll stop once they hit the jeep, trust me!"

"Trust you, Frank?!" B.J. yelled as Hawkeye sharply pulled the jeep over and they jumped out of their seats, desperate to find cover nearby.

"Trust me! Get over that hill!" Frank yelled as he pointed to a nearby hill, following them up and over it as they scrambled for safety.

Reaching the other side, they crouched down, holding their breath and saying their prayers as they waited for the cessation of hostilities to transpire. It wasn't long before they heard the explosion just on the other side, their jeep no doubt going up in flames. With that, Frank turned to look over at Hawkeye and B.J, who were looking over at him. A few moments later, there was silence.

Letting go of the breaths they were holding, they stood up, slowly, afraid that any sudden movement would get them killed.


	8. Home Is Where You Heart Is

"Major!" Colonel Potter shouted as he advanced upon the 4077th's head nurse. Having searched the compound for the last half hour, he had finally found Margaret, standing upon a step ladder in the supply tent, checking inventory and gathering supplies to restock the O.R..

"Yes, Colonel Potter?" Margaret answered, turning slightly to give a salute in acknowledgement of a superior officer before reaching back and grabbing a stack of clean sheets and tucking them beneath her arm, before stepping off of the ladder and onto one of the few concrete floors in camp.

Folding his hands behind his back, Potter took a stride closer towards Margaret and put on the kind of face he usually did when he had to deliver some bad news. "I just got a call from HQ, they say that the Chinese and Koreans have decided to launch a new offensive."

"Oh no, Colonel!" Margaret said, frowning. Unsure of where to direct her anger, she smacked her hand down hard against the wooden shelving, causing the bottles all along the expanse to jolt. She wasn't angry with her Colonel, but she was certainly angry that the Communists had decided to start a new series of attacks, just around the holiday season. Her nurses were not ready for this. She had just received two new nurses in camp and neither of them were familiar with her standards. A new offensive always meant a rush of new casualties and with an inexperienced staff, this meant that she would be responsible for picking up any slack.

'So much for my weekend pass to Tokyo', Margaret thought to herself as she gritted her teeth and snatched up her clipboard before looking over at Colonel Potter.

Rocking back on his heels and shoving his hands into his pockets, Colonel Potter lowered his shoulders and gave a sigh. Margaret couldn't remember a time where her Colonel had ever looked so defeated and her anger dissipated in the wake of trying to think of something that might cheer the Colonel up.

"Here, let me help you with those." Colonel Potter offered as he took the sheets from Margaret as they walked towards the O.R.

Blinking and shaking her head into alert, Margaret stepped back and declined. "That's ok Colonel, I can handle all of this and I'm sure you've got enough on your mind already, thank you."

"That's an order, Major." Potter said as he marched over to Margaret and grabbed the drab olive green wool blankets and started towards the exit, stopping short and turning to address the beautiful young woman, rather than the hardy head nurse. "Margaret, there's something else I've got to tell you."

Looking concerned, Margaret lifted up a crate of saline bottles and followed him over to the door, stopping to look expectantly at a man who had been like a second father to her.

As he looked up at Margaret, Colonel Potter wanted to warn her about Lt. Colonel Frank Burn's return to the 4077th, but somehow words failed him and he found that he couldn't bring himself to break the news to her just yet. "It's nothing, Major, I'll tell you after we get done in the O.R., drinks are on me."

Smiling at the improvement in her Colonel's demeanor, Margaret nodded. "Alright, Colonel, I'll hold you to that you know."


	9. Home Is Where Your Heart Is Two

Letting go of the breaths they were holding, they stood up, slowly, afraid that any sudden movement would get them killed.

"Frank," Hawkeye said, whispering for a reason he himself didn't quite know. It wasn't exactly as if the North Koreans could hear them at such a distance.

"Yes, Hawkeye." Frank replied, the toe of his boots turning up slightly as he leaned back a touch, his hands out in front of him, palms facing the ground. He lowered his shoulders and exhaled quietly, not wanting to make any sounds or movements that could be mistaken for signs of aggression as the three of them stood in a row alongside a dirty back road in Korea, the remains of what was once their jeep sending up a pile of thick and dirty black smoke nearby as they stood and waited quietly, patiently, eternally for a sign that it was ok to move.

The shelling had stopped, but they all knew that it was only a sign of things to come and that they needed to get back to camp before nightfall if they valued their lives. Being out in the woods of Korea in the pitch black of night with the snipers was a surefire way to get out of Korea, albeit sent home with a toe tag as postage and that was something that none of them wanted.

"Do you guys hear that?" B.J. asked frantically as he tapped Hawkeye with the back of his right hand and looked down the road, unable to see the source of his dread but knowing what the sound meant none the less. "Sounds like a tank headed this way! Hide!"

After a moment of scrambling of what must have made them look as if they were a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off, the trio grabbed onto each other's shirts and hobbled down the roadside hill they had pitched themselves behind and down behind a patch of weeds and old growth, preferring to take their chances with the stinging plants they did know, rather than the North Koreans they didn't.

Looking over at one another, Hawkeye and B.J. simply nodded in silent understanding. Closing his eyes, B.J. took a deep breath and said a silent prayer as the noise grew ever louder and closer behind them. Hawkeye bit his lower lip as he watched B.J., moving to grab his hand and hold onto his best friend, the fear of possibly never seeing him again if he let go welling up higher within him by the second.

"HEY! OVER HERE!" Came the yell of Frank Burns as Hawkeye and B.J.'s eyes opened wide and they turned around to see Frank jumping up and down and waving his cap in the air, desperate for attention.

"What the hell is he doing?! Does he want to get us killed!? He's gone nuts!" B.J. whispered worriedly as they looked on in horror at Frank's continued attempts to draw attention to himself.

"Guys!" Frank said as B.J. and Hawkeye slid back further into the grass in a vain attempt to hide themselves from a man who had clearly gone off the deep end. "Guys, we're gonna be O.K., it's our guys!"

Delighted, Frank ran up to the parade of jeeps and tanks that were now parading up the road and beyond, before running back to the edge of the weed patch and grabbing at Hawkeye and B.J.'s shirts excitedly as he pulled them out of the itchy patch of grass and weeds and back to the safety of the arms of the U.S. Army. "Come on!"

"Where do you guys belong?" Came the voice of a man driving one of the jeeps. "Hurry, get in, we can't stop here but we'll take you to where you need to go as long as it is down the road, hop on!"

With that, Frank slung his medical bag over his shoulder and jumped into the passenger's side seat, while Hawkeye and B.J. helped themselves to sit on the back of the jeep with the crates of supplies it was hauling, overjoyed at the thought of not only being saved, but for actually being grateful for every pothole that signaled they were alive and well along the dusty stretch of road back to camp as they held on for dear life all the way back to the 4077th, smiling.


End file.
